


Bittersweet

by AnotherGallavichLove



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Pining, fight, post 5x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:28:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4364840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGallavichLove/pseuds/AnotherGallavichLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Post 5x12*</p>
<p>”I dumped the love of my life” All amusement was drained from Mickey’s face as he slowly turned his head and looked into Ian’s eyes and said what needed to be said. </p>
<p>”That’s not me, man. You and I never worked, weren’t meant to. Better apart. He’s out there. You’ll find him. ’S just not me” </p>
<p>Every word hurt more than the last, but this was the way it had to be. They weren’t good together, they weren’t meant to work out, that had to be the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

Mickey bit into an old dirty rag as he poured the alcohol over the bloody mess on his thigh.

 

He would take the physical pain a thousand times over to get rid of the throbbing pain in his chest.

 

Mickey had never been this person before.

 

He had never been the person who cared, the person who hurt, the person who cried.

 

Mickey had never been the person who looked back on his life and wondered what he could have done differently, what he could have done better.

 

Mickey had never been that person, before Ian.

 

Fucking Gallagher.

 

Mickey had changed so much about himself, his life, without a second thought, nothing could have stopped him.

 

But now, he and Ian were over, most likely forever, and here he was.

 

Empty and out of the closet, without anybody to lean on.

 

Mickey spit the rag out on the floor and patted the soon to be scar dry.

 

”Damn, what happened?” Mickey looked up at his brother.

 

”Ah, some bitch shot me. Had worse”

 

”Who?” Mickey shrugged.

 

”Not important” Iggy nodded.

 

”Gallagher back yet?”

 

”Fuck if I know, I’m not his keeper” Mickey lied, looking down at his wounded leg and avoiding his brother’s eyes at all costs.

 

”Alright, just asking. Geez. He moving back in any time soon?”

 

”No. Why the fuck would he?” Iggy shrugged and finally got the memo, changing the subject.

 

”Pops gonna be out of jail in a couple of weeks”

 

”So?”

 

”Just figure you’d wanna know, being what got him sent back the last time-”

 

”I’m not a fucking baby!” Mickey yelled, finally looking into Iggy’s eyes, who had jumped at his brother’s outburst.

 

Mickey stood up, albeit shakily, being that his leg hurt like a fucking bitch.

 

”I can take Terry” He said, passing Iggy and walking out into the living room.

 

The truth was that Mickey was kind of happy Terry would be out soon, it would give him a problem to focus on other than Ian.

 

Mickey had always thought of the whole concept of love as a joke.

 

What?

 

You found some random person and told them everything?

 

Gave them everything?

 

For what?

 

What did you get?

 

What was the point?

 

Mickey had been convinced that the whole fucking concept was made up by lame people who were so lonely that their only option was to make this thing up that they wanted so bad, and in the end they ended up tricking themselves into thinking that this was what they actually felt.

 

Now he knew that wasn’t true.

 

Love was real.

 

Love could be fucking amazing.

 

His love for Ian was the strongest thing he had ever felt in his entire life.

 

The urge to give him everything, tell him everything.

 

Share everything.

 

Mickey had watched his sister go through countless breakups, and even though he had always been fucking pissed off at the guys who hurt her, he had never understood how she could be so heartbroken simply because some random douchebag didn’t treat her right.

 

 In fact, if it hadn’t been his own little sister, he would probably have gone as far as to say that it was pathetic.

 

But it wasn’t.

 

Love was real, but what was even more real, was what came after, when it ended.

 

When you had to force yourself to stop loving this person that you had learned to trust.

 

It hadn’t even been five hours since Ian had officially broken up with Mickey, but it was already the sharpest, most painful and torturous hurt that he had felt in his entire life.

 

Probably because it had been building up ever since that day when he hadn’t been able to get Ian out of bed.

 

A little more each and every day since then, Mickey had become weaker and weaker, he just hadn’t realized it.

 

He had wanted it all to work out so bad, but it couldn’t.

 

Ian had his problems, and Mickey had tried his hardest, but he obviously couldn’t help him the way he needed to be helped.

 

Neither of them would be truly happy until Gallagher was healthy, and that wouldn’t happen as long as they were together, Mickey realized that now.

 

Despite that, he couldn’t get Ian’s voice out of his head.

 

_You used to love me. Now you don’t even know who I am. Shit, I don’t know who I am half the time._

 

_You don’t owe me anything._

 

_Too much is wrong with me. That’s the problem, isn’t it? Too much is wrong with me, and you can’t do anything about that, you can’t change it. You can’t fix me, because I’m not broken, I don’t need to be fixed, okay? I’m me!_

 

Mickey blinked back the tears.

 

Now wasn’t the time.

 

It would never be the time, he shouldn’t cry over Gallagher.

 

It was best this way, it was how they both would get the best chance at a future, and they wouldn’t hold each other back.

 

 

 

Mickey had told himself that he wouldn’t avoid Ian, but this proved to be a hard task to complete.

 

Sure, their neighborhood wasn’t terribly small, but he still used to run into the Gallaghers here and there, now, he made sure not to.

 

It had been a whole week since the breakup and the burning, pounding, throbbing sensation in his chest remained a constant.

 

It hadn’t gotten weaker like he had thought it would, if anything, it intensified more and more every single day.

 

Mickey knew the only options he had was to wait it out or to go to talk to Ian, see if they could get back together.

 

Neither seemed like a good idea at this point, but he figured waiting it out was the best between the two.

 

His days mainly consisted of drinking himself drunk on cheap stolen beer and fucking random chicks, or at least try.

 

It was rare that he got it even half way up these days. And the only time he had even gotten it hard enough to fuck, it had been with a redhead.

 

Even then, he hadn’t even gotten close to shooting, he was still so fucking deep in this shit, he just wanted it to go away.

 

On the two and a half week mark - not that he counted or anything - there was a knock on the door.

 

A knock with a rhythm that he knew way too well.

 

You shouldn’t be able to know who was at the door just by listening to the way they knocked, but he couldn’t help it.

 

Since he was alone in the house he had the option to ignore it, pretend he had never heard it, but his feet were moving and before he even completely had time to register what was happening, he swung the door open.

 

The first time he had laid his eyes on the redhead in two and a half weeks, and it felt like breathing.

 

Mickey knew it sounded like a cheesy and unrealistic as fuck romantic novel, but fuck it, it was true.

 

Ian’s hair was messed up and slightly dirty, he was wearing a jacket that way way too big for his sickly skinny frame, and his face was flushed red.

 

_”I… I need to see you”_

 

_”Not a good time”_

 

Fuck, why did Mickey’s mind even go there?

 

It was a memory that he should forget.

 

They weren’t those people anymore.

 

”What are you doing here, Gallagher?” Mickey spoke, trying to keep his voice as even as possible.

 

”I need to see you” He stated and Mickey just stared at the boy in front of him.

 

Did he remember that day, or was this just some random fucking coincidence?

 

”Come in” Ian was stepping inside before Mickey’s brain had realized what had left his mouth.

 

Fuck.

 

He shouldn’t be doing this, not now.

 

Not ever again.

 

They would be so much better apart if they could just get through this, he knew it.

 

They were standing in the Milkovich kitchen, just staring at each other for a second, taking each other in.

 

Ian noted that Mickey had abandoned the razor.

 

”The beard suits you” Mickey ignored the way his breath hitched in his throat at the compliment.

 

”No fucking small talk” He thumbed his lip, hating the way his voice cracked at the end of the sentence. ”Why you here?”

 

Ian took a deep breath, looking like he was gathering the strength to talk.

 

”Something is wrong with me”

 

”No shit” Mickey chuckled, but the smile fell from his face immediately when he realized how fucking insensitive that had sounded. 

 

He looked up at Ian carefully, but he didn’t look offended, he just looked down at his feet.

 

”Yeah, I know. But I can’t function without the meds, I know that now. I’m back on them”

 

”Yeah, what changed you mind?” Mickey asked and Ian shrugged.

 

”The last time I went off ’em, I made the biggest mistake of my life” Mickey raised an eyebrow.

 

”Yeah? What did you do this time? Steal another baby? Rob a liquor store?”

 

Mickey knew the baby comment was insensitive as well, but he just didn’t know how to cope with this shit, so he chuckled and made mean jokes.

 

”I dumped the love of my life”

 

All amusement was drained from Mickey’s face as he slowly turned his head and looked into Ian’s eyes and said what needed to be said.

 

”That’s not me, man. You and I never worked, weren’t meant to. Better apart. He’s out there. You’ll find him. ’S just not me”

 

Every word hurt more than the last, but this was the way it had to be.

 

They weren’t good together, they weren’t meant to work out, that had to be the truth.

 

”That’s not true” Ian spoke, sounding like he was on the verge of tears, but Mickey wasn’t brave enough to look up at him.

 

”It is” Mickey argued quietly, trying to keep his own tears in. ”I’m not it. You’re not it. We’re not it, Ian. Just… not meant to be”

 

Mickey had never been a big believer of fate, but at this point it was the only thing he had to come with.

 

It was quiet for a while and Mickey finally looked up at his ex boyfriend.

 

Ian was looking back at this with a stone cold face, eyes red, as if they’d been rubbed too many times.

 

”I love you” Mickey’s breath was nearly knocked out of him with those words, but he willed himself not to react.

 

”I know” Was all he said.

 

Because he did.

 

This was the first time that Ian had said it, but he knew.

 

There was no doubt that Mickey loved Ian, too, and he probably would for a long time.

 

That didn’t change anything.

 

In this case, love just wasn’t enough.

 

It may be hard and hurt like fuck right now, but this was how they would be the happiest in the future, Mickey knew it.

 

And if he was honest, he was just really fucking sick of taking care of Ian.

 

He knew he wasn’t supposed to say that, because it wasn’t Ian’s fault that he was sick, but he couldn’t help it.

 

Mickey was just really fucking exhausted.

 

From all of it.

 

He couldn’t take it anymore.

 

The back and forth, the ups and the downs, being in a relationship with somebody who had this thing to deal with, he was just… completely and utterly worn out.

 

”That it?” Ian finally asked quietly and Mickey nodded once.

 

”Yeah. Yeah, that’s it”

 

It was quiet for a while, neither of them moving or even looking at each other.

 

”You should probably leave” Mickey said after a few minutes.

 

Ian nodded and walked out of the house without a word, letting the door slam audibly behind him.

 

Mickey couldn’t help but shiver at the cold sensation that filled his veins as soon as Gallagher was gone.

 

 

 

A week went by without as much as a word from Ian.

 

Mickey had thought that it would become easier, that he would learn to live without him, but it didn’t, he didn’t.

 

Mickey had never loved anybody, he had never needed anybody.

 

Not like this at least.

 

He was still convinced that this was what had to happen.

 

They had to stay away from each other and eventually, it would get easier.

 

Okay, by now he had realized that this wasn’t what he wanted at all.

 

Mickey wanted Ian back, he wanted to have him in every way possible.

 

What Mickey wanted and what was the best for everybody in the long run were very different things, though.

 

So of course, he forced himself to stay away.

 

That didn’t stop him from crying into his pillow late at night.

 

That didn’t stop him from replaying every good and bad and sad and confusing memory he had with the two of them.

 

That didn’t stop him from wishing that things were different.

 

That didn’t stop him from wanting Ian.

 

That didn’t stop him from loving Ian, with every single fiber of his being.

 

 

 

After suffering through two more months without Ian, Mickey finally gave up.

 

He had thought that by now he would for sure be over the redhead, or that things at least would have gotten easier, but they hadn’t.

 

Mickey was just as heartbroken as he had been that first day when Ian had dumped him.

 

Mickey took a shower and headed over to the Gallagher house.

 

He didn’t have much of an intention of getting back together with the guy, or even really staying for a long time.

 

He just needed to see him, just once.

 

Make sure he was doing okay, make sure he was happy.

 

If Gallagher was happy, Mickey just knew that the weight on his chest would become a little bit lighter.

 

Mickey hesitated for a few second before he let his fist it the door a couple of times.

 

Ian opened the door with a small smile on his face, but it immediately dropped when he saw who was on the other side of the door.

 

”Mickey. Long time. What you doing here?” Mickey took a deep breath, figuring out what exactly he should say.

 

”You alone?” Was all that came out.

 

It was a start, at least.

 

Ian seized him up for a few second before finally nodding and opening the door wider, silently granting him access.

 

Ian walked into the kitchen and turned towards Mickey, raising his eyebrows, forcing him to do the talking.

 

”You doing okay?”

 

Fuck, that sounded lame.

 

Why couldn’t he just come out and say it?

 

_I miss you. I love you. I want you back._

 

God, he wished it was that fucking simple.

 

”Yeah, yeah. I’m on the meds, they make me feel okay”

 

”That’s good” Mickey said.

 

Fuck, this was awkward.

 

”You okay?” Ian turned the tables, and Mickey didn’t have the energy to speak anything but the truth.

 

”No, not really” Mickey cleared his throat and looked anywhere but Ian, focusing all of his energy on not letting a single tear spill over.

 

”Why not?” Mickey chuckled.

 

”The fuck you think, man? Thought this was for the best” He gestured weakly between the two of them. ”Probably is, but it don’t feel like it... Still hurts”

 

”Yeah, I know the feeling” Ian admitted, eyes becoming redder and redder by the second. ”What do you wanna do? I get that I’m a lot of work, and that it’s probably easier to stay apart. But it’s fucking hell”

 

”It is” Mickey agreed before looking into Ian’s eyes. ”I love you so much”

 

”Yeah?”

 

”Yeah” Mickey sighed.

 

Ian took a few strides closer to Mickey.

 

”I love you, too. You know that. But like you said, maybe we’re better apart”

 

Mickey shut his eyes for a second and braced himself because he knew what was about to come out of his mouth would sound like something out of Mandy’s chick flicks.

 

”Why? Shouldn’t we do what makes us happy? Isn’t the fucking right thing to be together, if that’s what we both want? I don’t know about you, man, but I never stopped thinking about you. Not for a single fucking second”

 

Ian nodded slowly, taking the words in.

 

”Maybe so. But Mick, I’m always gonna be this way. I’m never gonna be normal. If that’s too much for you then-”

 

Mickey shut him up by smashing their lips together.

 

Fuck, he’d missed this.

 

”I'll deal. And I’m really fucking hoping that’s a yes” Mickey breathed once they had pulled apart.

 

Ian couldn’t help but grin as he nodded twice, leaning their foreheads together.

 

”We just can’t stay apart, huh?”

 

”Yeah, maybe we should just stop trying”

**Author's Note:**

> Aka what happens when creativity strikes at 1am


End file.
